Updating “Weird Al” Yankovic’s track It’s All About The Pentiums

I’m a big Weird Al fan, and going through some of his work I came across ‘It’s All About The Pentiums‘. If you’re not aware Weird Al Yankovic is a musician and comedian. He writes parodies of popular songs and has been for the last few decades.

I thought I could update this track in particular to 2019’s technology without changing the song completely. Just for fun, also I had a lot of coffee this morning. Here’s my attempt!

I’ll post the original lyrics first, and then talk about my changes.

It's all about the Pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah (x2)
It's all about the Pentiums, baby (x2)
It's all about the Pentiums! (x2)
(Yeah!!)

First things first – Pentiums today are like the Celerons of yesteryear, so we have to update the title. Core i’s don’t really work, but AMD still has interesting names for their processors, so let’s go with Ryzen. I don’t want to use Xeons as they’ve been around for years.

Ok we’re in. We made it to the first verse.

Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?

In the year of our lord 2019, hackers, code crackers and yes, even slackers are still things, so they can stay. Chat rooms aren’t really what they once were, but the kids these days are always talking about their Discord servers. So lets swap that out.

9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?

HP still exist, but I don’t know what the consumer side of HP do anymore (printers?) so let’s assume we’re talking about HP enterprise who still make killer servers.

Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don't read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin' on my mizouse

We don’t defrag hard drives anymore, it’s an automated background task in Windows. A hundred gigabytes of RAM seems low and I thought I should change the spam line, but it’s still a thing.

A T1 isn’t really impressive anymore, so let change that to Google Fibre, and finally we still very much double-click our mizouses so let’s keep that, although I suppose we could find a way of working touch screens in there.

Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I'm strictly plug-and-play, I ain't afraid of Y2K
I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him Money for short

Upgrading twice a day is staying, because it’s actually true now, even more so than back then! #WindowsInsiders. When I heard the Y2K line, I just laughed.

Bill Gates is still around and still has lots of money. At least he and Melinda are doing good things with it these days.

You think your Commodore 64 is really neato

Commodore 64’s are really neat! I don’t like Chromebooks though so they’re going in.

You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?

I think it’s only right that ‘Pentium’ replaces the 286. Windows boots up much quicker now than back then but I still just want to change this slightly because everything is basically faster now.

You're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster

Modem’s still exist but I feel router is more appropriate here now.

Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin' "Me too!" like some brain-dead AOL-er

Oof. So I was hoping to stay light hearted, but here we are. The line “me too” has much a different connotation these days, and although that’s not the intention in this song released in the carefree and hopeful paradise of 1999, I still want to change it to something even more 2019.

Got a flat-screen monitor, 40" wide
I believe that yours says, "Etch-A-Sketch" on the side
In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user
You've got your own newsgroup, alt.total-loser
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks?

Ultra-wide monitors are cool and they’re even bigger now. I wanted to work in a 65 inch wide Big Format Gaming Display (BFGD) but it doesn’t quite fit. 64-bit processors are the norm now and chat rooms aren’t as relevant anymore. We don’t send faxes anymore, so I need to change that and therefore I need to find something else to rhyme with.

That’s about it for my changes. So here’s the final lyrics, I’ve highlighted the changes I made.

 

It’s all about the Ryzens, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It’s all about the Ryzens, baby
It’s all about the Ryzens, baby
It’s all about the Ryzens!
It’s all about the Ryzens!
(Yeah!!)

What y’all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin’ time with all the Discord yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin’ at Hewlett Packard?
Workin’ at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin’ the bills with my mad programming skills
Debuggin’ my PowerShell for thrills
I got me two hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don’t read spam
Installed Google Fibre in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin’ on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I’m strictly plug-and-play, I just laughed at Y2K
I’m down with Bill Gates, I call him Money for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It’s all about the Ryzens, what?
You gotta be the dumbest newbie I’ve ever seen
You’ve got white-out all over your screen
You think your Chormebook is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You’re usin’ a pentium? Don’t make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a hour and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You’re the biggest joke on the Internet
Your database is a disaster
You’re waxin’ your router, tryin’ to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you’re still livin’ in your parents’ cellar
Downloadin’ pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin’ fake news like some brain-dead commenter
I should do the world a favour and shadow ban yer
You’re just about as useless as JPEGs to Helen Keller

It’s all about the Ryzens!
It’s all about the Ryzens!
It’s all about the Ryzens!
It’s all about the Ryzens!

Now, what y’all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin’ time with all the Discord yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin’ at Hewlett Packard?

Uh, uh, loggin’ in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got’em all printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer’s got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you’ve had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it’s an antique!

Your laptop is a month old? Well, that’s great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operating system
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed’em
While your computer’s crashin’, mine’s multitaskin’
It does all my work without me even askin’
Got a ultra-wide monitor, 60″ wide
I believe that yours says, “Etch-A-Sketch” on the side
In a 64-bit world, you’re a 2-bit user
You’ve got your own subreddit, r/total-loser
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a tweet
Where’d you get your CPU, pick it up off the street?
Play me online? Well, you know that I’ll beat you
If I ever meet you I’ll control-alt-delete you
What?

It’s all about the Ryzens!
It’s all about the Ryzens!
It’s all about the Ryzens!
It’s all about the Ryzens!

What y’all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin’ time with all the Discord yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin’ at Hewlett Packard?
What?

[END]

There’s definitely more that I could have changed here but finding rhymes is pretty difficult. I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts and changes that they would make. I love music and I love tech; this is just some fun. I hope you found it fun too. 🙂

-Mike

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